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Yesterday I visited a friend who had just given birth. The baby boy is 2 weeks old. Holding him took me right back to when the boys were little. I really don't do the baby stage well. Holding him brought back all my feelings of inadequacy as a first time mom. I did not know what to do to help soothe their discomfort. It left me feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself. I struggled to bond with both my boys.
I didnt feel an ounce of broodiness as I held him. I was eager to pass him back to his mom. I wondered how I had managed to cope in those lonely days of maternity leave. Thats what it felt like for me, lonely.I remember the silence in our house being deafening. I remember feeling like a cow. Lol. I remember longing to be amongst adult company. Longing to talk about something other than how the breastfeeding was going or how many soiled diapers there were during the day.
I remember watching the clock for when Zaid would get home.
I remember feeling like something must be wrong with me because here I was with this beautiful baby boy yet things didnt feel right. I wasn't feeling all fuzzy and warm and giddy inside like I was supposed to. That added to my loneliness. I couldn't tell anyone I felt this way. What would they think of me?
As I type this tears come to my eyes because it all feels like it was just yesterday.
"You look at me like I'm normal,
But inside I'm feeling scared,
Tonight he kept on screaming,
And tonight my anger flared.
I feel like I'm not coping,
With the jobs that motherhood brings,
I try my best to do it all,
But I can't do so many things.
I look at him sometimes playing,
And feel happy that he is my son,
But other times I can't be near him.
And don't want to join in the fun.
I feed him because I have to,
Not because it brings me joy,
I wish I didn't feel this way,
So I could appreciate my baby boy.
I'm waiting for the day I feel normal,
And everything just feels right,
Instead I'm stuck in this black hole,
Struggling to see the light."
Found this at : http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/antenatal-postnatal-depression-55/499766-poem-post-natal-depression.html
I remember being in the house for all those hours alone and thinking, this is not how it is supposed to be. Where is my village? Middle class ladies alone behind high suburban walls is not what I wanted! It sucked. I hated the baby phase and babies still scare me. Exactly like you said, I never knew what do to with their discomfort. I am so so glad it gets better.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it's over and gets better too. The problem is that we'd like a 3rd child and after all the feelings came rushing back yesterday I'm wondering if I can do it again.
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