Didnt know this would all come back to me so vividly

Yesterday I visited a friend who had just given birth. The baby boy is 2 weeks old. Holding him took me right back to when the boys were little. I really don't do the baby stage well. Holding him brought back all my feelings of inadequacy as a first time mom. I did not know what to do to help soothe their discomfort. It left me feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself. I struggled to bond with both my boys.

I didnt feel an ounce of broodiness as I held him. I was eager to pass him back to his mom. I wondered how I had managed to cope in those lonely days of maternity leave. Thats what it felt like for me, lonely.I remember the silence in our house being deafening. I remember feeling like a cow. Lol. I remember longing to be amongst adult company. Longing to talk about something other than how the breastfeeding was going or how many soiled diapers there were during the day.
I remember watching the clock for when Zaid would get home.

I remember feeling like something must be wrong with me because here I was with this beautiful baby boy yet things didnt feel right. I wasn't feeling all fuzzy and warm and giddy inside like I was supposed to. That added to my loneliness. I couldn't tell anyone I felt this way. What would they think of me?

As I type this tears come to my eyes because it all feels like it was just yesterday.

"You look at me like I'm normal,
But inside I'm feeling scared,
Tonight he kept on screaming,
And tonight my anger flared.

I feel like I'm not coping,
With the jobs that motherhood brings,
I try my best to do it all,
But I can't do so many things.

I look at him sometimes playing,
And feel happy that he is my son,
But other times I can't be near him.
And don't want to join in the fun.

I feed him because I have to,
Not because it brings me joy,
I wish I didn't feel this way,
So I could appreciate my baby boy.

I'm waiting for the day I feel normal,
And everything just feels right,
Instead I'm stuck in this black hole,
Struggling to see the light."

Found this at : http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/antenatal-postnatal-depression-55/499766-poem-post-natal-depression.html

Just one of those days

My job is emotionally taxing. I have patients booked back to back every 30 mins and each person requires something different of me emotionally. Not only do I need to provide a good service I also need to have a good bedside manner so that I can create a good rapport with them. Some of them are easy going and some just literally suck the life out of me. They walk in with a brick wall around them and a negative energy that permeates my surgery and drains me.

I leave work most days happy. I love what I do. It's challenging and rewarding. Some days I just leave there not wanting to engage with anyone else. Well this poses a problem as I have 2 kids you see. Anees talks non stop once he gets in the car. The fighting starts when we walk in the door. Rameez has a few new toys and as you can imagine the one wants what the other touches and vice versa. It's enough to just make me want to scream and actually wish that I was still at work. So I watch the clock anxiously waiting for 6pm when Zaid walks through the door and I can escape to the gym.

I remember watching the clock when I was on maternity leave with Anees too. Being couped up with a baby all day drove me insane. Yes they're cute and all that but I'm a verbal person and would much rather have you tell me what you want then try to decipher your needs by your different cries. I don't do the 'baby stage' well. With Anees I took 6 months maternity leave and with Rameez 4 months. I've decided that 2 months will be sufficient with the next child. LOL.

A patient of mine is pregnant with her 5th child. I'm happy for her but I feel physically and violently ill if I have to think of myself pregnant 5 times. Why the need to have 5 children? I don't understand. A family with 2 kids feels complete. If I had my pigeon pair I think our family would be complete. There is an equal parent to child ratio and things are manageable. The only reason we want a 3rd is because of my yearning for a daughter. When we got married we initially wanted 4 kids. That was until we had 1 and then 2 and then realized how much work they are.

There I said it. Sometimes it feels like work.(No, I lie! Its actually easier to be at work, amongst adults) They're asleep now. Thank Goodness. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us ;)

Therapy day

So I saw Natasha today.

Since Anees was 4 months old I've been seeing Natasha. He had a raging ear infection and had spent the first 4 months of his life projectile vomiting, breastfeeding sometimes hourly and not sleeping longer than 20 mins at times. He didnt have 'baby soft' skin like I thought he would, he had bad ezcema and often scratched himself open. On that day I called Zaid and instructed him to come home immediately because Anees would not stop crying uncontrollably. It was just too much to handle. Something was wrong, I called the pead and set up an appointment. She looked him over for 2 mins and said he had reflux and was lactose intolerant and said I should start him on solids immediately and stop breastfeeding. I was a blubbering mess in her office that day. That was the day she told me she thought I had PND and suggested I see someone. That was the start of my relationship with Natasha.

PND? What's that? Depressed? Me? No! Yes there are times when I cry for no reason and times when I just wish the world away. But no I'm not depressed.The first appointment was the most difficult. It's kinda awkward like a first date lol!

Now Natasha is an integral part of my existence. I look forward to our monthly appointments where I can offload and process everything that's happened to me. Therapy gives me time to reflect and a chance to just pack things away and not to hold onto anything.

I feel so much 'lighter' after a session. I'm good to go for the next month. Lol

Xxx

Hello, hello...

Been toying with this blogging idea for a while. Finally decided to do it as an online journal for myself and my boys.

Hi, I'm Nasima. Wife, mother, dental hygienist, daughter, sister, spinning addict. I have 2 beautiful boys and an amazing husband, who's been in my life for the last 12 years. When I had my first son, I lost myself to the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood and ended up with PND. This sent me on a deep and dark journey of self discovery. I've found myself again. This blog is dedicated to cherishing everything in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly will be documented here so that my boys will eventually have an idea of the true essence of me.

From Nasima, with love