Happy Days

You boys are being so nice to each other. I overheard a conversation between the 2 of you yesterday.

Rameez : Please open the crayons
Anees: Here you go my brother
Rameez: Thank you Anees
Anees: My pleasure

I couldn't believe my ears. My heart swelled with pride. You boys can be polite and good when you wanna be. Fikile says you boys never fight when you're with her. I'm assuming the fighting is a call for my attention.

Dad had some stuff to do around the house today. He didnt need little helpers so I decided to take the 2 of you out for the morning.I was anxious wondering if I would manage. Rameez you're quite adventurous and free spirited,as you should be. It's just difficult to keep up with you especially since you don't want to sit in your pram.

I had some errands to run but Anees managed to persuade me otherwise! We ended up at Serendipity.

Serendipity is not as busy or big as the other kid friendly places. It's intimate and has lots of helpers to give a guiding hand should you need help up the jungle gym or trampoline. The dress up area is well stocked with costumes to fulfill any child's fantasies. Anees chose Batman. (Of course, he's obsessed with superheroes and good guys and bad guys)

I enjoyed some time in the sun, walking barefoot with you guys, indulging in your fantasies and remembering what it's like to have not a care in the world.
Chocolate was the order of the day! Chocolate milkshake and chocolate covered crumpets too!

I love you boys.

He's decided he is ready

On Saturday night Anees announced that he was not going to drink a bottie anymore. Yes you read right! He's 4 years and 2 months old and still enjoyed a bottie of warm milk before he went to bed and another on waking in the morning. I've always adopted a passive approach to all things attachment and comfort related. Hence I breastfed both boys until they were 18 months old. We co slept and still do so. I'm not one for 'crying it out'. I'd hate for someone to take something dear away from me and then just leave me to cry about it.

Anees sucked his dummy until close to his 4th birthday. My attempt to take it away from him earlier was unsuccessful. I succumbed to pressure and bribed/motivated him with a Hot Wheels Car set. Somehow he thought he was ready too.

I told you tales of the 'dummy fairy' who took your dummy to other babies who needed it. You retold the story to others but i could see that you weren't really buying it! The enticement of the cars kept you happy during the day but night times were hell. You went from sleeping through to waking 2 to 3 times. Not just waking but crying in the middle of the night, whining and clingy. After 2 weeks, against everybody's advice, I decided to give it back to you. I'll never forget the smile on your face! You said 'Mom, I missed my dummy. My heart is so happy now' . I cried that day. Cried because I tried to force you to do something you weren't ready for. I vowed never to do that to you again. I vowed to let you listen to your intuition and let you do things at your own pace.

You were teased about your dummy and made to feel ashamed of it. It infuriated me. I tried to tell you that you should just be who you are even if people tease you. You need to put yourself first and do what you are comfortable with. If you are happy sucking your dummy people need to accept you for it.

You eventually bit a hole in it. You then decided to throw it in the bin. That was that! You asked for it and then said ' oh the dirt truck took it' There were no tears, no sadness in your eyes this time. You were ready to let go of it and I was proud of you.

We were lying in bed this morning and I asked you if we should throw the botties away and you said yes! I'll hold onto them just in case you change your mind because you are allowed to. I hope you learn to always be true to yourself. That's the one thing I admire and envy most in your Dad. He doesn't conform, he is who he is. I hope you'll learn that from him.

Kids are naturally intuitive. We should teach them to listen to their gut feelings, I think it would make them happier as adults, more confident and more fulfilled too.

Mishky Moo

I don't think I spend enough time alone with Rameez. Yesterday I was alone with him for 2 hours probably for the first time since I went back to work. I have difficulty coping with both of them if I'm out of the house. If I need to go somewhere and if one of them really needs to go with then I always choose Anees. He takes instruction well and is just more fun because he's older.

Zaid took Anees to the movies yesterday. I opted to go with them and walk around with Rameez while they were in the movies. I was pleasantly surprised that I actually coped with him. (I unfortunately get less patient with each child) Not only did i cope but we had absolutely no altercations. (Yes it could be because we only looked at toys and then i gave him Niknaks for lunch;)) We had no agenda so we strolled the toy stores and Rameez was delighted. He had fun on the slides and swings in Toys 'r Us. He cuddled all the teddy bears that he could. I even let him rock the teddy bears in the baby swings that were on display. After a good 30 minutes there we went off to the next toy shop and played and looked at all the stuff there.

I was amazed at his level of understanding. He played with stuff and gladly put it back on the shelf. When I offered to buy him something he said ' I don't want that' . So we left all toy shops with not one single purchase! He only asked for chocolate and chips LOL. His diet is not the greatest at the moment. A staple diet of strawberry pops, fish fingers, toasted cheese and cake doesn't sound nutritious at all! I can't recall if Anees went through this phase too. I'm hoping as they say that 'this too shall pass' ;)

Rameez, I promise from this day forward to make a concerted effort to spend more time alone with you.

Love Mom

The photo taken below is courtesy of Rameez. Lol

Didnt know this would all come back to me so vividly

Yesterday I visited a friend who had just given birth. The baby boy is 2 weeks old. Holding him took me right back to when the boys were little. I really don't do the baby stage well. Holding him brought back all my feelings of inadequacy as a first time mom. I did not know what to do to help soothe their discomfort. It left me feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself. I struggled to bond with both my boys.

I didnt feel an ounce of broodiness as I held him. I was eager to pass him back to his mom. I wondered how I had managed to cope in those lonely days of maternity leave. Thats what it felt like for me, lonely.I remember the silence in our house being deafening. I remember feeling like a cow. Lol. I remember longing to be amongst adult company. Longing to talk about something other than how the breastfeeding was going or how many soiled diapers there were during the day.
I remember watching the clock for when Zaid would get home.

I remember feeling like something must be wrong with me because here I was with this beautiful baby boy yet things didnt feel right. I wasn't feeling all fuzzy and warm and giddy inside like I was supposed to. That added to my loneliness. I couldn't tell anyone I felt this way. What would they think of me?

As I type this tears come to my eyes because it all feels like it was just yesterday.

"You look at me like I'm normal,
But inside I'm feeling scared,
Tonight he kept on screaming,
And tonight my anger flared.

I feel like I'm not coping,
With the jobs that motherhood brings,
I try my best to do it all,
But I can't do so many things.

I look at him sometimes playing,
And feel happy that he is my son,
But other times I can't be near him.
And don't want to join in the fun.

I feed him because I have to,
Not because it brings me joy,
I wish I didn't feel this way,
So I could appreciate my baby boy.

I'm waiting for the day I feel normal,
And everything just feels right,
Instead I'm stuck in this black hole,
Struggling to see the light."

Found this at : http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/antenatal-postnatal-depression-55/499766-poem-post-natal-depression.html

It's about quality not quantity

So I awoke to more whining and fighting this morning. When the boys get like this it puts me in a 'funk'. I find myself pining over care free pre-kids days when spontaneity was the order of the day. When we could just be and not worry about how our actions are moulding personalities that might or might not end up having issues as adults one day.

When I'm feeling this way I know it's best to keep my interactions with the boys to a minimum. I prefer to retreat to my safe haven in my head where I don't have to be teaching them to share or shouting at them for fighting. If I spend an hour with them today without any shouting then my mission is accomplished. I know my limits these days. I know when I need to withdraw before I become that mother that is grumpy and would rather be somewhere else.

I'm so glad that I'll be at work for a full day tomorrow. I've even rewarded myself with a day off work so I can indulge in all things Nasima. Thursday will be 'Me Day'

By Friday I should be liking the monsters again. Just enough to get me through the weekend as a Happy Mom ;)

Yours truly
Nasima

Just one of those days

My job is emotionally taxing. I have patients booked back to back every 30 mins and each person requires something different of me emotionally. Not only do I need to provide a good service I also need to have a good bedside manner so that I can create a good rapport with them. Some of them are easy going and some just literally suck the life out of me. They walk in with a brick wall around them and a negative energy that permeates my surgery and drains me.

I leave work most days happy. I love what I do. It's challenging and rewarding. Some days I just leave there not wanting to engage with anyone else. Well this poses a problem as I have 2 kids you see. Anees talks non stop once he gets in the car. The fighting starts when we walk in the door. Rameez has a few new toys and as you can imagine the one wants what the other touches and vice versa. It's enough to just make me want to scream and actually wish that I was still at work. So I watch the clock anxiously waiting for 6pm when Zaid walks through the door and I can escape to the gym.

I remember watching the clock when I was on maternity leave with Anees too. Being couped up with a baby all day drove me insane. Yes they're cute and all that but I'm a verbal person and would much rather have you tell me what you want then try to decipher your needs by your different cries. I don't do the 'baby stage' well. With Anees I took 6 months maternity leave and with Rameez 4 months. I've decided that 2 months will be sufficient with the next child. LOL.

A patient of mine is pregnant with her 5th child. I'm happy for her but I feel physically and violently ill if I have to think of myself pregnant 5 times. Why the need to have 5 children? I don't understand. A family with 2 kids feels complete. If I had my pigeon pair I think our family would be complete. There is an equal parent to child ratio and things are manageable. The only reason we want a 3rd is because of my yearning for a daughter. When we got married we initially wanted 4 kids. That was until we had 1 and then 2 and then realized how much work they are.

There I said it. Sometimes it feels like work.(No, I lie! Its actually easier to be at work, amongst adults) They're asleep now. Thank Goodness. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us ;)

Who are you and what have you done with Nasima?

It was a cold, wet gloomy day in Jozi. It's been raining since yesterday. I awoke this morning to the sound of a steady flow of rain on the window. I thought ok I'm not going to gym. A second later I knew I would later regret my decision. So I jumped outta bed and got ready and went to gym.

It was an amazing session. 75 min spin class with one of my favourite instructors Lynette. It's the kind of session where there's sweat dripping off your face and body. You leave the gym drenched and damn does it feel good. It's the perfect way to start your day especially in winter when the cold air is a welcome relief.

I wasn't always this gym bunny. In high school I wasn't athletic but I did participate in sports. Namely netball and volleyball. When I left school gym was the last thing on my mind.

After Uni when I started working I joined the gym purely to avoid traffic! Work was 45 kms from home and this journey could take up to 2 hours in traffic. So I went to gym after work and got home in an hour.I can't say that I thoroughly enjoyed it though, it was fun but I hardly ever worked up a major sweat or felt my heart racing.

In the throes of my depression I would get frustrated when people told me 'oh why don't you just excercise you'll feel better'. I didnt want to exercise. Yes I'd heard all the stories about the endorphins and feel good chemicals blah blah blah. But I hated the treadmill, it's kinda like running nowhere slowly. I remember having a conversation with Natasha about whether a healthy mind or a healthy body comes first. I couldn't figure it out. My mind certainly wasn't healthy and as a result my body didnt feel healthy either. I felt tired all the time and sluggish.

A visit to the Gynea was an eye opener for me. I had the shock of my life when I stood on the scale. Certainly I can't weigh that much! I realized an intervention was necessary. So off I went to join the gym. I knew I hated the treadmill and all those other ghastly cardiovascular machines. On my first trip to the gym I tried a spinning class and I was hooked immediately! The evening classes are intense. The lights are off and there's music and nothing else exists except yourself and the bike. For the first time in years my mind actually completely shut down. You have the benefit of a 'group' class but at the same time you're actually going at your own pace, the added bonus of a yummy spinning instructor, to motivate you, was the cherry on the cake for me.

I set myself a 12 week spinning challenge in Jan this year. I had to go to gym 6 days a week for 12 weeks. It was more to test my mental strength than anything else. Much to my surprise I was and still am amazed at how much fitter and stronger I felt after each class. Much to my delight I've managed to lose 7kgs. So now I know that a healthy mind and a healthy body go hand in hand. I'm going to gym now because I actually enjoy it. I never in a million years thought that those words would come out of my mouth! Lol!

I've already decided that my next challenge will be to run a 5 or 10 km race. Will keep you updated on that!

I've never felt fitter or healthier in my life. I don't just mean physically I mean mentally too. I'm actually considering cutting the umbilical cord by not seeing Natasha anymore. The blogging is cathartic for me and the exercise can be my new form of therapy. (Will see how this pans out)

My body is my temple. I finally get it.

Toodles

Happy Birthday Rameez!

We definately wanted a 2nd child but we had no idea that you would come along so soon. We found out at 12 weeks that you were a little boy.

At 38 weeks we visited Dr Bothner and she asked if we'd like to wait for nature to take its course. I'm unfortunately not the patient type, so a C section was scheduled for a week later on the 19th April 2011.We prepared your brother adequately for your arrival by reading 'I'm going to be a big brother' ad nauseam. It helped that the main character looked a lot like Anees.

Dad chose your brothers name so I could choose yours. I was on FB one day and saw a post by Tasneem's (www.mumdrum.blogspot.com) brother Rameez Hendricks. I fell in love with the name immediately. Rameez means : noble and dignified. So it was decided that you would be named Rameez.

On the day before your arrival I went to the hairdresser and had my hair done as well as a mani and pedi. I wanted to be wheeled into theatre looking all glamorous for when I meet you. This wasn't my first rodeo as I had a C Section with Anees as well. There was absolutely no anxiety this time around , just sheer excitement.

We awoke early on the 19th and left for the hospital at 6 am. This is a pic of us before they prepped me for surgery.

By the grace of God everything went smoothly and you were in our arms before we knew it. I must admit that even the 2nd time around it still felt surreal. I knew you were there inside of me but to hold you in my arms just left me speechless and in awe of how perfect you are. I cant honestly say it was love at first sight. My love for you grew over the days and months that followed as you morphed from 'blob' (newborn) to human. Lol.

You're brother was besotted with you from the time he laid eyes on you. We are so proud of how gentle and loving he was with you. (this is not currently the case, we having boxing and wrestling matches now)

If there is one word to describe your personality it would be spunky ( showing courage; fiesty; spirited; displaying animation, vigor or liveliness; brave) Your skateboard and capoeira antics have us giggling all the time. At 2 you are more than capable of communicating your needs and your vocabulary astounds and surprises us everyday. You're a little parrot and we've even heard you say 'sharp homie' and you yell 'Yeahhhh buddddyyyy'
You're at the 'I do it self' stage and are enjoying your new found independence as
we allow you to do more things for yourself. We just love how you burst with pride when you accomplish something.

May Allah protect you, guide you and keep you in good health, always.Happy 2nd birthday Rameez.

Love Mom

Therapy day

So I saw Natasha today.

Since Anees was 4 months old I've been seeing Natasha. He had a raging ear infection and had spent the first 4 months of his life projectile vomiting, breastfeeding sometimes hourly and not sleeping longer than 20 mins at times. He didnt have 'baby soft' skin like I thought he would, he had bad ezcema and often scratched himself open. On that day I called Zaid and instructed him to come home immediately because Anees would not stop crying uncontrollably. It was just too much to handle. Something was wrong, I called the pead and set up an appointment. She looked him over for 2 mins and said he had reflux and was lactose intolerant and said I should start him on solids immediately and stop breastfeeding. I was a blubbering mess in her office that day. That was the day she told me she thought I had PND and suggested I see someone. That was the start of my relationship with Natasha.

PND? What's that? Depressed? Me? No! Yes there are times when I cry for no reason and times when I just wish the world away. But no I'm not depressed.The first appointment was the most difficult. It's kinda awkward like a first date lol!

Now Natasha is an integral part of my existence. I look forward to our monthly appointments where I can offload and process everything that's happened to me. Therapy gives me time to reflect and a chance to just pack things away and not to hold onto anything.

I feel so much 'lighter' after a session. I'm good to go for the next month. Lol

Xxx

Parents evenings and reflections

Anees attends a playschool in Parkwood. It's an amazing school that not only offers fun and educational activities but also seeks to offer support to families. This is done through monthly meetings where parents get together and have the opportunity of listening to professionals talk about a wide range of topics. The school provides babysitting and dinner for the little ones so you are at complete ease of mind.

The best part of these evenings is being able to talk candidly about your feelings and experiences to other parents/couples who are going through the same thing. I'm always amazed at how we all at times feel lonely in this journey of parenthood, yet if we just talk openly and say what's on our minds (without fear of being judged) we will find that 9 times out of 10 there are at least 4 other people wanting to say the same thing.

The topic tonight was Self Love. When the discussion floor was opened everybody agreed that there is a large amount of guilt involved when we want to do something for ourselves. As I sat there and listened to tales of mothers and fathers giving up who they are or what they loved because they thought they needed to make these sacrifices, I was so grateful that I wasn't at that point anymore.

It's taken me 4 long years of therapy and battling inner demons to finally learn to love myself enough to fulfill my needs. I have Anees to thank for that! Had he not been born I might have still been going through life putting others first. I might have still not known this new found confidence and sense of self respect and self esteem. I've learnt that as a mother I don't have to give him all of me. I need to nourish myself first so that I can give him and the other men in my life the best of me.

Thank you Anees. I love you madly even though you drive me insane at times. Your birth has meant my rebirth and I can't thank God enough for blessing me with you!

Xxx

Hello, hello...

Been toying with this blogging idea for a while. Finally decided to do it as an online journal for myself and my boys.

Hi, I'm Nasima. Wife, mother, dental hygienist, daughter, sister, spinning addict. I have 2 beautiful boys and an amazing husband, who's been in my life for the last 12 years. When I had my first son, I lost myself to the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood and ended up with PND. This sent me on a deep and dark journey of self discovery. I've found myself again. This blog is dedicated to cherishing everything in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly will be documented here so that my boys will eventually have an idea of the true essence of me.

From Nasima, with love