Mishky Moo

I don't think I spend enough time alone with Rameez. Yesterday I was alone with him for 2 hours probably for the first time since I went back to work. I have difficulty coping with both of them if I'm out of the house. If I need to go somewhere and if one of them really needs to go with then I always choose Anees. He takes instruction well and is just more fun because he's older.

Zaid took Anees to the movies yesterday. I opted to go with them and walk around with Rameez while they were in the movies. I was pleasantly surprised that I actually coped with him. (I unfortunately get less patient with each child) Not only did i cope but we had absolutely no altercations. (Yes it could be because we only looked at toys and then i gave him Niknaks for lunch;)) We had no agenda so we strolled the toy stores and Rameez was delighted. He had fun on the slides and swings in Toys 'r Us. He cuddled all the teddy bears that he could. I even let him rock the teddy bears in the baby swings that were on display. After a good 30 minutes there we went off to the next toy shop and played and looked at all the stuff there.

I was amazed at his level of understanding. He played with stuff and gladly put it back on the shelf. When I offered to buy him something he said ' I don't want that' . So we left all toy shops with not one single purchase! He only asked for chocolate and chips LOL. His diet is not the greatest at the moment. A staple diet of strawberry pops, fish fingers, toasted cheese and cake doesn't sound nutritious at all! I can't recall if Anees went through this phase too. I'm hoping as they say that 'this too shall pass' ;)

Rameez, I promise from this day forward to make a concerted effort to spend more time alone with you.

Love Mom

The photo taken below is courtesy of Rameez. Lol

Didnt know this would all come back to me so vividly

Yesterday I visited a friend who had just given birth. The baby boy is 2 weeks old. Holding him took me right back to when the boys were little. I really don't do the baby stage well. Holding him brought back all my feelings of inadequacy as a first time mom. I did not know what to do to help soothe their discomfort. It left me feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself. I struggled to bond with both my boys.

I didnt feel an ounce of broodiness as I held him. I was eager to pass him back to his mom. I wondered how I had managed to cope in those lonely days of maternity leave. Thats what it felt like for me, lonely.I remember the silence in our house being deafening. I remember feeling like a cow. Lol. I remember longing to be amongst adult company. Longing to talk about something other than how the breastfeeding was going or how many soiled diapers there were during the day.
I remember watching the clock for when Zaid would get home.

I remember feeling like something must be wrong with me because here I was with this beautiful baby boy yet things didnt feel right. I wasn't feeling all fuzzy and warm and giddy inside like I was supposed to. That added to my loneliness. I couldn't tell anyone I felt this way. What would they think of me?

As I type this tears come to my eyes because it all feels like it was just yesterday.

"You look at me like I'm normal,
But inside I'm feeling scared,
Tonight he kept on screaming,
And tonight my anger flared.

I feel like I'm not coping,
With the jobs that motherhood brings,
I try my best to do it all,
But I can't do so many things.

I look at him sometimes playing,
And feel happy that he is my son,
But other times I can't be near him.
And don't want to join in the fun.

I feed him because I have to,
Not because it brings me joy,
I wish I didn't feel this way,
So I could appreciate my baby boy.

I'm waiting for the day I feel normal,
And everything just feels right,
Instead I'm stuck in this black hole,
Struggling to see the light."

Found this at : http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/antenatal-postnatal-depression-55/499766-poem-post-natal-depression.html

It's about quality not quantity

So I awoke to more whining and fighting this morning. When the boys get like this it puts me in a 'funk'. I find myself pining over care free pre-kids days when spontaneity was the order of the day. When we could just be and not worry about how our actions are moulding personalities that might or might not end up having issues as adults one day.

When I'm feeling this way I know it's best to keep my interactions with the boys to a minimum. I prefer to retreat to my safe haven in my head where I don't have to be teaching them to share or shouting at them for fighting. If I spend an hour with them today without any shouting then my mission is accomplished. I know my limits these days. I know when I need to withdraw before I become that mother that is grumpy and would rather be somewhere else.

I'm so glad that I'll be at work for a full day tomorrow. I've even rewarded myself with a day off work so I can indulge in all things Nasima. Thursday will be 'Me Day'

By Friday I should be liking the monsters again. Just enough to get me through the weekend as a Happy Mom ;)

Yours truly
Nasima

Just one of those days

My job is emotionally taxing. I have patients booked back to back every 30 mins and each person requires something different of me emotionally. Not only do I need to provide a good service I also need to have a good bedside manner so that I can create a good rapport with them. Some of them are easy going and some just literally suck the life out of me. They walk in with a brick wall around them and a negative energy that permeates my surgery and drains me.

I leave work most days happy. I love what I do. It's challenging and rewarding. Some days I just leave there not wanting to engage with anyone else. Well this poses a problem as I have 2 kids you see. Anees talks non stop once he gets in the car. The fighting starts when we walk in the door. Rameez has a few new toys and as you can imagine the one wants what the other touches and vice versa. It's enough to just make me want to scream and actually wish that I was still at work. So I watch the clock anxiously waiting for 6pm when Zaid walks through the door and I can escape to the gym.

I remember watching the clock when I was on maternity leave with Anees too. Being couped up with a baby all day drove me insane. Yes they're cute and all that but I'm a verbal person and would much rather have you tell me what you want then try to decipher your needs by your different cries. I don't do the 'baby stage' well. With Anees I took 6 months maternity leave and with Rameez 4 months. I've decided that 2 months will be sufficient with the next child. LOL.

A patient of mine is pregnant with her 5th child. I'm happy for her but I feel physically and violently ill if I have to think of myself pregnant 5 times. Why the need to have 5 children? I don't understand. A family with 2 kids feels complete. If I had my pigeon pair I think our family would be complete. There is an equal parent to child ratio and things are manageable. The only reason we want a 3rd is because of my yearning for a daughter. When we got married we initially wanted 4 kids. That was until we had 1 and then 2 and then realized how much work they are.

There I said it. Sometimes it feels like work.(No, I lie! Its actually easier to be at work, amongst adults) They're asleep now. Thank Goodness. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us ;)

Conversations with a 4 year old

Anees, I really think that as you age our relationship gets better.

I'm adoring you right now. Our conversations are a great source of laughter for me. Especially when you ask me things like if I think you'll have earrings or smoke when you're a teenager. You're amazed when I say to you that those will be your choices to make, and even more amazed when I tell you that Mom and Nani used to smoke. You don't realize it but I was very different before you born. You even laugh when I tell you mom and dad used to go dancing in a club. You look bewildered and then you start breakdancing and asking if thats how we used to dance. LOL . You can't understand that through time Mom and Dad have evolved to become what you see now. As you will.

"It would indeed be a sad state of affairs if I am the same person today that I was a year ago as that would mean I haven't learned anything" www.fromnearthempon.wordpress.com

You're in a such a hurry to grow up right now and I love the enthusiasm and zest for life that you have. I hope that as you evolve you never lose it.

Love Nasima

Parents evenings and reflections

Anees attends a playschool in Parkwood. It's an amazing school that not only offers fun and educational activities but also seeks to offer support to families. This is done through monthly meetings where parents get together and have the opportunity of listening to professionals talk about a wide range of topics. The school provides babysitting and dinner for the little ones so you are at complete ease of mind.

The best part of these evenings is being able to talk candidly about your feelings and experiences to other parents/couples who are going through the same thing. I'm always amazed at how we all at times feel lonely in this journey of parenthood, yet if we just talk openly and say what's on our minds (without fear of being judged) we will find that 9 times out of 10 there are at least 4 other people wanting to say the same thing.

The topic tonight was Self Love. When the discussion floor was opened everybody agreed that there is a large amount of guilt involved when we want to do something for ourselves. As I sat there and listened to tales of mothers and fathers giving up who they are or what they loved because they thought they needed to make these sacrifices, I was so grateful that I wasn't at that point anymore.

It's taken me 4 long years of therapy and battling inner demons to finally learn to love myself enough to fulfill my needs. I have Anees to thank for that! Had he not been born I might have still been going through life putting others first. I might have still not known this new found confidence and sense of self respect and self esteem. I've learnt that as a mother I don't have to give him all of me. I need to nourish myself first so that I can give him and the other men in my life the best of me.

Thank you Anees. I love you madly even though you drive me insane at times. Your birth has meant my rebirth and I can't thank God enough for blessing me with you!

Xxx